Kaiser Health News

When Older Parents Resist Help or Advice, Use These Tips to Cope

Published

12 months ago

May 19, 2023

by Judith Graham
Fri, 19 May 2023 09:00:00 +0000

It was a regrettable mistake. But Kim Sylvester thought she was doing the right thing at the time.

Her 80-year-old mother, Harriet Burkel, had fallen at her home in Raleigh, North Carolina, fractured her pelvis, and gone to a rehabilitation center to recover. It was only days after the death of Burkel's 82-year-old husband, who'd moved into a memory care facility three years before.

With growing distress, Sylvester had watched her mother, who had emphysema and peripheral artery disease, become increasingly frail and isolated. “I would say, ‘Can I help you?' And my mother would say, ‘No, I can do this myself. I don't need anything. I can handle it,'” Sylvester told me.

Now, Sylvester had a chance to get some more information. She let herself into her mother's home and went through all the paperwork she could find. “It was a shambles — completely disorganized, bills everywhere,” she said. “It was clear things were out of control.”

Sylvester sprang into action, terminating her mother's orders for anti-aging supplements, canceling two car warranty insurance policies (Burkel wasn't driving at that point), ending a yearlong contract for knee injections with a chiropractor, and throwing out donation requests from dozens of organizations. When her mother found out, she was furious.

“I was trying to save my mother, but I became someone she couldn't trust — the enemy. I really messed up,” Sylvester said.

Dealing with an older parent who stubbornly resists offers of help isn't easy. But the solution isn't to make an older person feel like you're steamrolling them and taking over their affairs. What's needed instead are respect, empathy, and appreciation of the older person's autonomy.

“It's hard when you see an older person making poor choices and decisions. But if that person is cognitively intact, you can't force them to do what you think they should do,” said Anne Sansevero, president of the board of directors of the Aging Life Care Association, a national organization of care managers who work with older adults and their families. “They have a right to make choices for themselves.”

That doesn't mean adult children concerned about an older parent should step aside or agree to everything the parent proposes. Rather, a different set of skills is needed.

Cheryl Woodson, an author and retired physician based in the Chicago area, learned this firsthand when her mother — whom Woodson described as a “very powerful” woman — developed mild cognitive impairment. She started getting lost while driving and would buy things she didn't need then give them away.

Chastising her mother wasn't going to work. “You can't push people like my mother or try to take control,” Woodson told me. “You don't tell them, ‘No, you're wrong,' because they changed your diapers and they'll always be your mom.”

Instead, Woodson learned to appeal to her mother's pride in being the family matriarch. “Whenever she got upset, I'd ask her, ‘Mother, what year was it that Aunt Terri got married?' or ‘Mother, I don't remember how to make macaroni. How much cheese do you put in?' And she'd forget what she was worked up about and we'd just go on from there.”

Woodson, author of “To Survive Caregiving: A Daughter's Experience, a Doctor's Advice,” also learned to apply a “does it really matter to safety or health?” standard to her mother's behavior. It helped Woodson let go of her sometimes unreasonable expectations. One example she related: “My mother used to shake hot sauce on pancakes. It would drive my brother nuts, but she was eating, and that was good.”

“You don't want to rub their nose into their incapacity,” said Woodson, whose mother died in 2003.

Barry Jacobs, a clinical psychologist and family therapist, sounded similar themes in describing a psychiatrist in his late 70s who didn't like to bend to authority. After his wife died, the older man stopped shaving and changing his clothes regularly. Though he had diabetes, he didn't want to see a physician and instead prescribed medicine for himself. Even after several strokes compromised his vision, he insisted on driving.

Jacobs' take: “You don't want to go toe-to-toe with someone like this, because you will lose. They're almost daring you to tell them what to do so they can show you they won't follow your advice.”

What's the alternative? “I would employ empathy and appeal to this person's pride as a basis for handling adversity or change,” Jacobs said. “I might say something along the lines of, ‘I know you don't want to stop driving and that this will be very painful for you. But I know you have faced difficult, painful changes before and you'll find your way through this.'”

“You're appealing to their ideal self rather than treating them as if they don't have the right to make their own decisions anymore,” he explained. In the older psychiatrist's case, conflict with his four children was constant, but he eventually stopped driving.

Another strategy that can be useful: “Show up, but do it in a way that's face-saving,” Jacobs said. Instead of asking your father if you can check in on him, “Go to his house and say, ‘The kids really wanted to see you. I hope you don't mind.' Or, ‘We made too much food. I hope you don't mind my bringing it over.' Or, ‘I wanted to stop by. I hope you can give me some advice about this issue that's on my mind.'”

This psychiatrist didn't have any cognitive problems, though he wasn't as sharp as he used to be. But encroaching cognitive impairment often colors difficult family interactions.

If you think this might be a factor with your parent, instead of trying to persuade them to accept more help at home, try to get them medically evaluated, said Leslie Kernisan, author of “When Your Aging Parent Needs Help: A Geriatrician's Step-by-Step Guide to Memory Loss, Resistance, Safety Worries, and More.”

“Decreased brain function can affect an older adult's insight and judgment and ability to understand the risks of certain actions or situations, while also making people suspicious and defensive,” she noted.

This doesn't mean you should give up on talking to an older parent with mild cognitive impairment or early-stage dementia, however. “You always want to give the older adult a chance to weigh in and talk about what's important to them and their feelings and concerns,” Kernisan said.

“If you frame your suggestions as a way of helping your parent achieve a goal they've said was important, they tend to be much more receptive to it,” she said.

A turning point for Sylvester and her mother came when the older woman, who developed dementia, went to a nursing home at the end of 2021. Her mother, who at first didn't realize the move was permanent, was furious, and Sylvester waited two months before visiting. When she finally walked into Burkel's room, bearing a Valentine's Day wreath, Burkel hugged her and said, “I'm so glad to see you,” before pulling away. “But I'm so mad at my other daughter.”

Sylvester, who doesn't have a sister, responded, “I know, Mom. She meant well, but she didn't handle things properly.” She learned the value of what she calls a “therapeutic fiblet” from Kernisan, who ran a family caregiver group Sylvester attended between 2019 and 2021.

After that visit, Sylvester saw her mother often, and all was well between the two women up until Burkel's death. “If something was upsetting my mother, I would just go, ‘Interesting,' or, ‘That's a thought.' You have to give yourself time to remember this is not the person you used to know and create the person you need to be your parent, who's changed so much.”

We're eager to hear from readers about questions you'd like answered, problems you've been having with your care, and advice you need in dealing with the health care system. Visit kffhealthnews.org/columnists to submit your requests or tips.

KFF Health News is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues and is one of the core operating programs at KFF—an independent source of health policy research, polling, and journalism. Learn more about KFF.

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By: Judith Graham
Title: When Older Parents Resist Help or Advice, Use These Tips to Cope
Sourced From: kffhealthnews.org/news/article/resistant-older-parents-empathy-pride/
Published Date: Fri, 19 May 2023 09:00:00 +0000

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Kaiser Health News

KFF Health News’ ‘What the Health?’: Abortion Access Changing Again in Florida and Arizona

Published

5 hours ago

May 2, 2024

Staff Editor

Thu, 02 May 2024 19:30:00 +0000

The Host

Julie Rovner
KFF Health News

@jrovner

Read Julie's stories.

Julie Rovner is chief Washington correspondent and host of KFF Health News' weekly health policy news podcast, “What the Health?” A noted expert on health policy issues, Julie is the author of the critically praised reference book “Health Care Politics and Policy A to Z,” now in its third edition.

The national abortion landscape was shaken again this week as Florida's six-week abortion ban took effect. That leaves North Carolina and Virginia as the lone Southern states where abortion remains widely available. Clinics in those states already were overflowing with patients from across the region.

Meanwhile, in a wide-ranging interview with Time magazine, former President Donald Trump took credit for appointing the Supreme Court justices who overturned Roe v. Wade, but he steadfastly refused to say what he might do on the abortion issue if he is returned to office.

This week's panelists are Julie Rovner of KFF Health News, Sarah Karlin-Smith of the Pink Sheet, Alice Miranda Ollstein of Politico, and Rachana Pradhan of KFF Health News.

Panelists

Sarah Karlin-Smith
Pink Sheet

@SarahKarlin

Read Sarah's stories.

Alice Miranda Ollstein
Politico

@AliceOllstein

Read Alice's stories.

Rachana Pradhan
KFF Health News

@rachanadpradhan

Read Rachana's stories.

Among the takeaways from this week's episode:

Florida's new, six-week abortion ban is a big deal for the entire South, as the state had been an abortion haven for patients as other states cut access to the procedure. Some clinics in North Carolina and southern Virginia are considering expansions to their waiting and recovery rooms to accommodate patients who now must travel there for care. This also means, though, that those traveling patients could make waits even longer for local patients, including many who rely on the clinics for non-abortion services.
Passage of a bill to repeal Arizona's near-total abortion ban nonetheless leaves the state's patients and providers with plenty of uncertainty — including whether the ban will temporarily take effect anyway. Plus, voters in Arizona, as well as those in Florida, will have an opportunity in November to weigh in on whether the procedure should be available in their state.
The FDA's decision that laboratory-developed tests must be subject to the same regulatory scrutiny as medical devices comes as the tests have become more prevalent — and as concerns have grown amid high-profile examples of problems occurring because they evaded federal review. (See: Theranos.) There's a reasonable chance the FDA will be sued over whether it has the authority to make these changes without congressional action.
Also, the Biden administration has quietly decided to shelve a potential ban on menthol cigarettes. The issue raised tensions over its links between health and criminal justice, and it ultimately appears to have run into electoral-year headwinds that prompted the administration to put it aside rather than risk alienating Black voters.
In drug news, the Federal Trade Commission is challenging what it sees as “junk” patents that make it tougher for generics to come to market, and another court ruling delivers bad news for the pharmaceutical industry's fight against Medicare drug negotiations.

Plus, for “extra credit” the panelists suggest health policy stories they read this week that they think you should read, too:

Julie Rovner: ProPublica's “A Doctor at Cigna Said Her Bosses Pressured Her To Review Patients' Cases Too Quickly. Cigna Threatened To Fire Her,” by Patrick Rucker, The Capitol Forum, and David Armstrong, ProPublica.

Alice Miranda Ollstein: The Associated Press' “Dozens of Deaths Reveal Risks of Injecting Sedatives Into People Restrained by Police,” by Ryan J. Foley, Carla K. Johnson, and Shelby Lum.

Sarah Karlin-Smith: The Atlantic's “America's Infectious-Disease Barometer Is Off,” by Katherine J. Wu.

Rachana Pradhan: The Wall Street Journal's “Millions of American Kids Are Caregivers Now: ‘The Hardest Part Is That I'm Only 17,” by Clare Ansberry.

Also mentioned on this week's podcast:

Time's “How Far Trump Would Go,” by Eric Cortellessa.
NPR's “Why Is a 6-Week Abortion Ban Nearly a Total Ban? It's About How We Date a Pregnancy,” by Selena Simmons-Duffin.
NPR's “'Sicko's' Peeno Sees Few Gains in Health Insurance,” by Julie Rovner.
CNN's “Walmart Will Close All of Its Health Care Clinics,” by Nathaniel Meyersohn.

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To hear all our podcasts, click here.

And subscribe to KFF Health News' “What the Health?” on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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Title: KFF Health News' ‘What the Health?': Abortion Access Changing Again in Florida and Arizona
Sourced From: kffhealthnews.org/news/podcast/what-the-health-345-abortion-access-florida-arizona-may-2-2024/
Published Date: Thu, 02 May 2024 19:30:00 +0000

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Kaiser Health News

DIY Gel Manicures May Harm Your Health

Published

10 hours ago

May 2, 2024

Staff Editor

Tarena Lofton
Thu, 02 May 2024 09:00:00 +0000

A fresh set from the comfort of your own home? DIY gel nails have been all the rage on social media, but the practice could cause you to develop a life-changing allergy. In a TikTok video, creator @alina.gene describes developing an acrylate allergy from doing gel nails at home. Now, when exposed to acrylates, the creator feels severe pain.

The creator warns viewers not to self-apply nail polish that requires a UV light to cure. In later videos, @alina.gene explains that at-home use differs from in-salon use because salon professionals have access to higher-quality chemicals that are less likely to cause reactions and that they also have proper training on how to safely apply the products.

“I know I sound real dramatic because an allergy to gel nails or even an allergy to acrylates isn't going to kill you, but the thing is, in the wrong situation it could prevent you from getting lifesaving medical care,” said @alina.gene in another video. Common medical products contain acrylates, and developing this allergy can cause major issues in obtaining future medical care.

We asked an allergist to walk us through this viral video.

If you enjoyed this story from the KFF Health News social team, follow us on Instagram @KFFHealthNews.

✍️: KFF Health News Audience Engagement Team

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By: Tarena Lofton
Title: DIY Gel Manicures May Harm Your Health
Sourced From: kffhealthnews.org/news/article/diy-gel-manicures-health-risks/
Published Date: Thu, 02 May 2024 09:00:00 +0000

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Kaiser Health News

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Is Wrong About a Ban on NIH Research About Mass Shootings

Published

12 hours ago

May 2, 2024

Staff Editor

Louis Jacobson, PolitiFact
Thu, 02 May 2024 09:00:00 +0000

“Congress prohibits the NIH from researching the cause of mass shootings.”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in an April 21 post on X

The National Institutes of Health is the federal government's main agency for supporting medical research. Is it barred from researching mass shootings? That's what presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said recently.

Kennedy, whose statements about conspiracy theories earned him PolitiFact's 2023 “Lie of the Year,” is running as an independent third-party candidate against President Joe Biden, the presumptive Democratic candidate, and the presumptive Republican nominee, former President Donald Trump.

On April 21 on X, Kennedy flagged his recent interview with conservative commentator Glenn Beck, which touched on gun policy. Kennedy summarized his gun policy views in the post, writing, “The National Institutes of Health refuses to investigate the mystery; in fact, Congress prohibits the NIH from researching the cause of mass shootings. Under my administration, that rule ends — and our kids' safety becomes a top priority.”

But this information is outdated.

In 1996, Congress passed the “Dickey Amendment,” an appropriations bill provision that federal officials widely interpreted as barring federally funded research related to gun violence (though some observers say this was a misinterpretation). Congress in 2018 clarified that the provision didn't bar federally funded gun-related research, and funding for such efforts has been flowing since 2020.

Kennedy's campaign did not provide evidence to support his statement.

What Was the Dickey Amendment?

After criticizing some federally funded research papers on firearms in the mid-1990s, pro-gun advocates, including the National Rifle Association, lobbied to halt federal government funding for gun violence research.

In 1996, Congress approved appropriations bill language saying that “none of the funds made available for injury prevention and control at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention may be used to advocate or promote gun control.” The language was named for one of its backers, Rep. Jay Dickey (R-Ark).

But the Dickey Amendment, as written, did not ban all gun-related research outright.

“Any honest research that was not rigged to produce results that helped promote gun control could be funded by CDC,” said Gary Kleck, a Florida State University criminologist. But CDC officials, experts said, interpreted the Dickey Amendment as banning all gun-related research funding.

This perception meant the amendment “had a chilling effect on funding for gun research,” said Allen Rostron, a University of Missouri-Kansas City law professor who has written about the amendment. Federal agencies “did not want to take a chance on funding research that might be seen as violating the restriction” and so “essentially were not funding research on gun violence.”

Also, the Dickey Amendment targeted only the CDC, not all other federal agencies. Congress expanded the restriction to cover NIH-funded research in 2011.

Although the Dickey Amendment didn't bar gun-related research, federal decision-makers acted as though it did by not pursuing such research.

Moving Past the Dickey Amendment

Over time, critics of the gun industry made an issue of the Dickey Amendment and gathered congressional support to clarify the amendment.

In 2018, lawmakers approved language that said the amendment wasn't a blanket ban on federally funded gun violence research. By 2020, federal research grants on firearms began to be issued again, starting with $25 million to be split between the CDC and NIH.

By now, the CDC and NIH are funding a “large portfolio” of firearm violence-related research, said Daniel Webster, a professor at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.

Also, the Justice Department's National Institute of Justice has funded the largest study of mass shootings to date, Webster said, and is seeking applications for studies of mass shootings.

Our Ruling

Kennedy said, “Congress prohibits the NIH from researching the cause of mass shootings.”

Although the Dickey Amendment, a provision of appropriations law supported by the gun industry, didn't prohibit all federally supported, gun-related research from 1996 to 2018, decision-makers acted as though it did.

However, in 2018, Congress clarified the provision's language. And since 2020, CDC, NIH, and other federal agencies have funded millions of dollars in gun-related research, including studies on mass shootings.

We rate Kennedy's statement False.

Our Sources

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. post on X, April 21, 2024

National Institutes of Health, “NIH Awards Additional Research and Training Grants to Support Firearm Injury and Mortality Prevention Science,” Sept. 20, 2023

National Institute of Justice, “Public Mass Shootings: Database Amasses Details of a Half Century of U.S. Mass Shootings with Firearms, Generating Psychosocial Histories,” Feb. 3, 2022

National Institute of Justice, “NIJ FY24 Research and Evaluation on Firearm Violence and Mass Shootings,” Feb. 5, 2024

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “Funded Research,” accessed April 22, 2024

American Psychological Association, “A Thaw in the Freeze on Federal Funding for Gun Violence and Injury Prevention Research,” April 1, 2021

Allen Rostron, “The Dickey Amendment on Federal Funding for Research on Gun Violence: A Legal Dissection” (American Journal of Public Health), July 2018

Email interview with Gary Kleck, a Florida State University criminologist, April 22, 2024

Email interview with Daniel W. Webster, professor at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, April 22, 2024

Email interview with Jaclyn Schildkraut, executive director of the Regional Gun Violence Research Consortium at the Rockefeller Institute of Government, April 22, 2024

Email interview with Mike Lawlor, University of New Haven criminologist, April 22, 2024

Email interview with Allen Rostron, University of Missouri-Kansas City law professor, April 22, 2024

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By: Louis Jacobson, PolitiFact
Title: Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Is Wrong About a Ban on NIH Research About Mass Shootings
Sourced From: kffhealthnews.org/news/article/fact-check-rfk-jr-wrong-nih-research-mass-shootings-gun-control-dickey-amendment/
Published Date: Thu, 02 May 2024 09:00:00 +0000

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